Save us from what our own hands might do;

lift the veil, but do not tear it.

Save us from the ego; its knife has reached our bones.

Who but You will break these chains?

Let us turn from ourselves to You

Who are nearer to us than ourselves.

Even this prayer is Your gift to us.

How else has a rose garden grown from these ashes?

                                                                Rumi, Mathnawi II: 2443-49

 

Almost before it is possible to understand the significance of a spiritual life, we must look at the psychological conditionings that characterize our inner life. A spiritual teaching is to some extent a critique of personality and conventional social conditioning. It challenges the conventional view of the human personality. It calls to us from another level--he truly human level--asking us to transcend our fear, limitation, judgment, envy, resentment, and false pride. It offers to lead us beyond the stimulus-response syndrome, beyond aggressive-defensive behavior, beyond the sleep of conditioning, and beyond the slavery to the ego. It offers a very high vision of what a human being is.

The lower self does not know that it is asleep; consequently, what appreciation can it have for awakening? It consists of our fears and defenses, likes and dislikes, expectations, opinions, attitudes, and preoccupations, and we take it to be ourselves. This self could be called the compulsive or defensive self.  It wants whatever will support its illusions, and it hates and fears whatever threatens its illusions. 

We who have been born into these times face conditions that make the search for truth difficult: belief systems that carry guilt and fear, cultural and religious taboos, clichés of pseudospirituality and popular psychology, and a muddle of irrelevant concepts. Many of our assumptions and ways of thinking might have to go through the fire of rigorous examination.  We have belief systems that carry unnecessary guilt, fear, and cultural or religious taboos that may be out of harmony with human nature. The idea that there is a God who exists to mete out punishment to sinners has created more alienation than moral awareness.  The notion that sex is dirty has subconsciously disturbed relationships that could otherwise be healthy and joyful.

Furthermore, we need to be aware of the clichés of pseudo-spirituality that pose as wisdom and elements of popular psychology that merely stroke the false self.  Some of these are a reaction against the excessive burden of guilt that has been inflicted on us by many religions. Some are the superficial concepts that good and evil exist only in our minds, or that anything someone many do is right for them--that there is little or no objective morality--or that all we can know is that we don't know.

We face a muddle of irrelevant concepts patched together from knowledge borrowed from those who pretended to know. At this time, however, there are particular needs that need to be taken into account that make transcendence of the ego even more complicated and sensitive.

 

Women who have been taught to deny their own needs in favor of their families or in deference to men will be sensitive to the suggestion that they should look beyond their personal needs and desires, or that service is the natural expression of the soul. What may be the remedy for pervasive human egoism may only increase the disease unless a person understands that the compulsive, guilt ridden denial of one's individuality is quite different from a healthy transcendence of the self.  The former is unconscious; the latter is possible only when one has come to understand one's essential needs and that satisfying these needs is not necessarily the same as ego-gratification.

Our culture has experienced a plague of childhood victimization, which has only recently begun to come into the light of collective awareness.  A significant percentage of us have been raised in dysfunctional families that ignored the fundamental need of the child to experience an environment of love, support, and trust.  Perhaps the two greatest factors that have contributed to childhood victimization and abuse have been alcoholism (and other addictions) and the sexual pathology of our culture.

To say that the self has no boundaries could be misunderstood by someone who has had their boundaries violated in dysfunctional or incestuous families.  The point is not that one has no boundaries and is therefore defenseless and available to anything.  On the contrary, it is that one's individuality can be so centered in Spirit that it becomes a subtle, expansive, and healing presence.

Alcoholism and other addictions have deprived many children of having their needs met and have forced these same children to be the numbed care-givers of their own parents. In this process many people have forgotten their own needs and have thus missed an important step in their ego development.  They have forgotten themselves before they have found themselves. It is premature to speak of self-transcendence before someone has a viable ego.

Our prevailing sexual attitudes are simultaneously promiscuous and puritanical. We broadcast sexual imagery from every direction, sanction it, and intensify its power over us, but never recognize its appropriate place in human relationships.  However, we also see sexuality as dirty and sinful.  Once the connection between sex and evil is made, sexuality will be associated with other evils--selfish manipulation, wanton excess, and even physical abuse.  Because we have forgotten the golden rule of sexuality--that it is the merging of equals--we see it as merely a means of gratifying desire regardless of the consequences to the other person.  This is the process that gradually leads to the possibility of parents using their children as sex objects. People who have had their personal boundaries violated in this way will need their individuality to be healed. Fortunately, the essential Self of a human being cannot be permanently damaged; as much as it may be caused to shrink back or hide, it remains essentially unharmed and unspoiled.

If a person has a history of this kind of victimization, however, there is the possibility of misunderstanding the transformation of the ego.  One danger is that the person will strive very hard in spiritual disciplines as a way of avoiding or burying deep pain. Eventually, however, it will be realized that the spiritual path must bring everything to light.

Another possible complication is that such people will be so wounded in their self-esteem that they will get stuck in a perpetual search for mere comfort and reassurance of the limited personality.  Here, of course, there is a danger of being diverted or of never taking the steps that will lead to freedom.

A balanced spiritual teaching will include ideas and practices for both integrating and transcending the self.  A healthy functional ego is needed to be able to face the deprivations and wounds of the personality. An integrated presence allows one to open up the painful feelings and disturbing memories and to allow them to be healed by the energies of the essential Self.  Eventually, however, the false self--the ego--needs to be exposed and understood.

Our post-industrial, materialistic, secularized culture does not encourage the awakening of our essential Self. Widespread consumerism, self-indulgence, habits of immediate gratification, the moral relativity of our age, and the displacement of individual and communal responsibilities by large corporations, institutions, and bureaucracies bring us fewer moments of truth, fewer encounters with our essential and authentic Selves. The distraction of entertainments that appeal to every human weakness and the pervasive artificiality that technologies have brought leave us little chance of being what we are meant to be.

It may be difficult to appreciate the Work at first, but once its significance has been grasped, it becomes central to our lives. What will carry us through is the understanding that this Work leads to real well-being rather than illusory self-gratification.

The False Self

Somewhere, somehow, we began to live as if we were separate, alone, and in danger. Once afraid, we constructed a self out of that fear and have been steadfastly defending it ever since. This false self exists in the intellect--in other words, in our thoughts, and particularly those thoughts that have been generated by fear and the desires that fear creates. It has developed and come between ourselves and objective reality. This totality of acquired fears, habits, preferences, and opinions must be exposed and understood.

When the false self divorces itself from the heart, or subconscious mind, and begins to acquire autonomy, it loses contact with its own source of Being and integrity. The false self can be understood as intellect struggling for its own survival at the expense of the whole mind. 

A fixation on the false, compulsive self can distort our sense of reality, of justice, of balance. Again and again this false self can ruin things for the whole of oneself. The real possibility of the moment is destroyed from too much self-importance as well as from too little self-respect, from greed as well as from indifference, from our disorderly desires as well as from inertia. Following the impulses of this false self, our essential Self is more and more eclipsed.

We are slaves to a tyrant called "ego." Unless we are extremely astute we do not see the extent to which we are controlled by our habits, compulsions, and desires, because we are working so hard to satisfy their random expectations.

The ego can be useful as a servant and a messenger, handling our affairs in the world according to the instructions and guidance it receives through the heart, from the higher Self. But without spiritual presence and intention we may not be able to distinguish the guidance of the heart from the impulses of our egoism. Without awakening the will, we cannot understand what is needed in any moment.

For this reason, various situations that require patience, humility, and service and which reorient our awareness are offered to those who have committed themselves to the Work of awakening. It may take special methods of effort and intention in order for this fixation on the false self to be brought into relief, but once seen and realized, our wish to awaken intensifies, and we never sleep as easily again. 

Objective Seeing

The work to become free of the false self that obscures the essential Self is accomplished through loving but objective observation. It is necessary to see oneself with other than one's habitual eyes--that is, differently from our usual way of looking at things. Unless we can see ourselves with some impartiality, our fixation on the false ego will only continue to block any objective understanding. All that is now called mind and feeling must be observed through new eyes. This new quality of seeing is by means of the eyes of the heart, and the light by which they see is both concentrated and transmitted by an authentic teaching and the resonance of a group. 

We have a power of reason that can discern our egoism from our true Self, and because of this, we have the possibility of transcending our egoism in the name of love and attaining the true meaning of our individuality. A certain energy needs to be produced; a light needs to be kindled. Spirit will put a light before us, but not until we have taken a step, if only one step, from our egoism. 

By keeping the mirror of awareness clear we can begin to free ourselves of our compulsions and inappropriate thoughts and behavior. Awareness is the means; the present moment is the focus. We have certain obstacles to face. We must confront our lack of attention and weakness of will, our attachment to our opinions, our slavery to our likes and dislikes, our perpetual fear of loss. All of these characteristics form the gross material for the work of transformation, to be transformed by the resonance of love, the power of our essential Self. It is necessary to awaken to this Self which has the power of love that can tame the false self.

Transformation Through Love

A teacher of mine once said, "Egotism is the bastard child of an affair between intellect and selfish desire." Our thinking mind, or intellect, can marry three forms of love: desire (Eros), friendship (philos), or unconditional love (agape).  Actually, all three forms of love coexist.

The first form, desire, is what predominates in the false self. The false self is the "I" motivated by selfish desire, rather than by the wholeness of love.  Desire, which is the ego's love of the desirable, can coexist with cosmic love and be balanced by it. It is negative only when it displaces the other forms of love, when it enslaves us and overcomes our better judgment. 

Governed by the desires of ego we can feel very self-confident, righteous and justified in our actions. We can have very strong opinions and can feel that we are right and the rest of the world is wrong. Excessive ambition, greed, lust, envy, self-righteousness, self-importance, and arrogance are all the results of excessive ego, the "I" as it is governed by desire.

Most negative states are the result of frustration--the frustration of desire, expectation, and love. Because egotism is the child of intellect married to desire, it is the frustration of desire that produces the negative states of the ego: anger, resentment, cynicism, hatred, bitterness, loneliness, and anxiety.  Hatred, after all, is only frustrated love. In observing any strongly negative state we can see that the ego has been frustrated.

What is so useful about this scheme of the three forms of love is that it gives us an idea of how we can transform the ego from being a desire-driven, obsessive, and frustrated force to a transformed identity that is in touch with reality. Practically speaking, if we can shift our orientation from the exclusive concentration on satisfying our desires, to a love of sharing in friendship, and a cosmic love which sees others as ourselves, then our identity, or ego, is transformed by these loves. 

The Community of the Egoless

Friendship, service, and communion can lead to cosmic love. Ambition, envy, or even self-improvement can lead in an altogether different direction when it is not balanced by a sense of we-ness. There is a danger in being too alone, in trying to satisfy ourselves exclusively. 

In order to recognize the ego you have to be familiar with non-ego. Individuals who are made gentle by love, who put others' needs before their own, who neither judge others nor themselves too harshly, who do not consider themselves above others, who are not affected by the opinions of others, and who do not even desire to be virtuous are relatively free of egotism. The rest of us are slaves to it.

Egotism is difficult to see when we most need to see it; this is because we are identified with it at the moment that it has its greatest effect on us. The ego has its many modalities:

       Some of us are performers; all we need is to have the attention of others and we begin to puff up with self-importance. The desire is to prove that we are better than others.

       Some of us are martyrs who enjoy the wrongs we imagine others are doing to us because they feed the strangely pleasurable sensation of self-pity.

       Some of us are always busy; we constantly pursue our mundane and heartless goals, which we consider more important than sharing time with others. We hide behind our busyness and, fixated on a limited, isolated self, we avoid relationships.

       Some of us are cynics, never free of a critical attitude toward others. Perhaps frustrations have left us powerless, and our only defense is this cynicism.

       Some of us are murderers, murdering others in our minds, thriving on anger and judgment, never willing to credit good to anyone.

       Some of us are angry because others have not fulfilled our expectations. This usually means they have not shown us the degree of importance we feel we deserve.

All of these modalities arise from a denial of love. The only way to deal with such separation is to step back and recall what drew us into relationships in the first place, assume some goodwill, and be humble enough to consider our own faults. This can free us of the "I-thought." Eventually we can learn to be more and more free of our self-centered thoughts and expectations, asking little of others except what they are, seeing the best in them, showing patience and tolerance.

Egotism is the very devil itself, a limitless source of envy, resentment, and pride. A healthy passion for life is a gift, but we need not let this passion become fixated on the desires of the limited self.

We can transform this egotism by substituting more of "we-ness" in place of "I-ness." We can cultivate the "we-feeling" and feel our own strength and value in our relationships.

Some of us use spirituality to increase self-importance and specialness. We cover egotism with the appearance of humility and selfishness with the appearance of generosity.

We have to get right down to the fundamental changes in ourselves that are necessary, and this requires sincerity. We can become free of the self-motive by becoming nothing. And we can become nothing by limiting our habitual self-centered thoughts. This will cut at the roots of our egotism, as ego exists in our thinking. Habitual, unconscious thought may be motivated by desire, fear or frustration. If we can regularly experience at least a relative freedom from egotistic thought by intentionally interrupting the habit of mechanical thinking, by entering into direct perception and presence, we can undermine the structure of fear and selfishness. We can unlearn our own deep conviction of ourselves as isolated, separate, and limited entities.

 

If we look at the experience that we call being alive and honestly see what the contents of consciousness are, we will see that we fail to bring our full attention to living. Because we are filled with desire, anger, loneliness, and fear, our conditioned self cannot stop comparing, wanting, defending, resenting, and being afraid. If we could bring our full attention and presence to each moment of life, that false, conditioned self would run out of energy.

This state of compulsive living is so painful, and its loneliness is so great, that we do everything we can to escape it through dreams of it being otherwise--through entertainments, through self-gratification, through seeking in spiritual circles the love that we do not feel for ourselves. If we could just be, we would be able to relax from the anxiety of becoming something that we are not, getting something we don't have, and trying to shape reality according to our own desires.

Too often we do not want to change, but instead want the pain to go away and allow us to remain the same with all our desires and with our image of ourselves intact. We will not be successful running to anything, because we cannot run away from ourselves. And yet what we most need is what we already are: our essential Self. There is no escape; there is only coming home.

When we really begin to see the state of our lives, we will also understand that we must turn most of our life around if we wish to be ourselves.  It is our own personality that must be reoriented and developed in order that we may not be under the tyranny of our own false self.  The ego is not to be discarded or demeaned; after it has been taken down from its commanding position it may become a useful servant.  The personality can then be guided by an inner discrimination and can begin to act in response to the needs of the moment, not from compulsion or misguided self-interest.  The submission of the lower self to the higher Self, of the self to the Whole in each moment becomes the central fact of existence.  Submission is to live for one's Self--the eternal I--not for one's ego.